A Chic & Immodest Proposal

Things to bring to the party:
Gaily wrapped box filled with presumptions of propriety
Sense of humor
Grain of salt

Things to leave at the door:
Said gaily wrapped box
Mental ossification
Lavish gifts for the doorman

Food For Thought: An Immodest Proposal

It is a heart-rending sight indeed, the emaciated frame of the average super-model. (Is that an oxymoron?) Surely our civilized society in this 21st century can no longer ignore this tragedy. We can handle the pictures of third world orphans with bloated bellies. Those kids are a world away, and besides, their families probably aren’t making the best use of their resources. And globally there are far too many of these starving waifs for the few of us to make a significant difference in their lives.

But super-models, that’s another story. These girls we admire, if not for their contribution to mankind, at least for the beauty and glamour they add to the runways, catwalks, TV commercials and magazine ads. But these girls need help, and it’s a small enough group that we really can make a difference in their lives. And if we can, I believe we must. We can no longer allow them to go through life looking so undernourished, so ridiculously cool, so much more beautiful than we are. They must be helped, even if they are unwilling to eat.

And just in time, help is at hand. A new report by STASH (Start Thinking And Stop Hunger) suggests a solution that may seem to be too good to be true. Dr. Nathaniel Franks has developed a method to metamorphose the energy from brain activity into bodily nutrition. Deceptively simple, it is however something that was impossible before the latest advances in computer technology. This cutting-edge innovation allows complex programming to be put on a chip the size of an ink dot. Dr. Franks explains, "This program is loaded in the tip of a needle and inserted acupuncture-style into the scalp of the patient. The programming then trains the body to recognize energy waves from the brain as food, and to obtain nutrition directly from brain activity."

The benefits of this process should be immediate and obvious. With a worldwide shortage of food, and increased concerns about the safety even of organic food, we now have a viable alternative. The initial cost of this procedure of course is significant, and probably only available to a few elite such as our target group, the super-models. But as the process is refined, experts expect the cost to come down to a level where the ordinary Jane Doe can afford it. What is unclear is whether it will ever be cost-effective to use with the millions of poor starving orphans around the world.

So far only one dissenting opinion has been raised. It is the voice of English hunger activist, Lord D. Evan Grizzles. He advances a valid concern, that being the lack of brain activity in certain groups of people, and whether those people will receive proper nourishment. "Would it be a case of smart people being well fed, and stupid people remaining undernourished?" he asks. "Or might we have cases of people whose daily life just doesn’t require any thinking unwittingly starving themselves? These are serious issues and cannot be ignored in a rush to embrace potentially flawed technology."

So that brings us full circle, to the deeply troubling issue at hand; will this or will it not help the plight of the emaciated, possibly oxymoronic, average super-model? Yes, it would have the potential for nutrition without the annoying caloric side effects. But if one were to listen to the concerns of Lord Grizzles, you would really have to worry about the survival of this elite group, given the low level of brain activity in their average workday.

The third view is this: The potential negative raised by our esteemed English colleague may in fact be a blessing in disguise. What we have here is a solution with a compounding effectiveness, first in easing world hunger, and then serving to decrease the pervasive lack of thought that many people seem to give to their daily activities. As a facet of natural selection, this lack of nourishment to people with low levels of brain activity will effectively minimize their numbers. This will have the extended effect of leaving more traditional nourishment (food) for the rest of us. If this is taken to a global level, it is very possible to believe that the demand for natural food will decrease to the point that we will have enough excess to consider exporting to starving orphans and other needy groups.

And the super-models? Well, I guess the surviving ones would no longer be average, moronic, or oxymoronic.

Props to Natalie G, a tip of the hat to Jonathan Swift, and a what-up to Charles Darwin.